The Christmas season is upon us again, and that means stores are filling up with Christmas decorations, lights, and toy reindeer that poop candy.

Marvel Gifts

With all these items filling our store shelves, it’s no surprise that Marvel’s gotten into the act as well, with ornaments and PEZ dispensers just to name a few. However, Marvel now has the backing of a billion dollar company that is no stranger to holiday novelties (no, there is not a candy-pooping Santa Mickey, but let’s not give them ideas). So, since Marvel has done so well in bringing its properties to life, let’s take a minute to imagine a Marvel Gifts division that could really dip into the MCU and bring something back.

The Mjolnir Paperweight

We all remember the difficulty involved in lifting Thor’s hammer in THOR, THOR: THE DARK WORLD, and the AVENGERS films.  So what happens when that kind of power is placed in a modern office space?

Are you constantly getting your important papers mixed up? Is your office a mess because it’s so hard to keep everything together?  Well, here’s a solution from the halls of Asgard – Thor’s Mjolnir paperweight! Handcrafted by traditional Asgardian methods, this elegant piece of dwarf-star is small but powerful, able to hold down mountains of paper from wind, animals, and dark elf attack. In fact, you’ll be able to control the winds themselves thanks to the paperweight’s inherent storm control technology (requires a worthiness level of 10). So get started on organizing your office with the Mjolnir paperweight!

DISCLAIMER: Marvel is not responsible for damages caused by errant hurricanes, lighting storms, or other storm related catastrophes. Buyers may experience sudden drops in worthiness levels after purchasing paperweight. Paperweight can be exchanged only for Jarnbjorn knife set. Please direct complaints/prayers to Asgard.

Black Widow Electro-Stun Snuggie

Black Widow might not ever get her own film, but she’s proven her worth in the MCU with her kicks and hand-held electro-stingers. So what happens when Marvel Gifts combine that with an unlikely winter craze?

Need something to keep you warm on those cold winter nights? Well, straight from somewhere in Russia (we think) is the Black Widow Electro-Stun Snuggie.  Crafted from strong (probably) Russian cloth, and outfitted with technology from the latest S.H.I.E.L.D defense specs, this special Snuggie uses powerful electric currents to keep you warm as you ponder your mysterious past over hot cocoa. Plus, the sleeves are outfitted with special electro-stingers so that no one takes your Snuggie until YOU are done with it. Say Do svidaniya to cold nights!

DISCLAIMER: Do not use electro-stingers on pets or children under the age of 12; may cause permanent damage/burns/loss of mental facilities. Marvel is not responsible for any Snuggie-related injuries caused by falling asleep in it.

READ: Our look at Norwegian Christmas comics

Power Stone Phone Charger

The Power Stone might be able to destroy whole planets, but GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY proved that it can be harnessed in positive ways. Now, imagine that kind of power serving the current crop of phone-addicted Americans?

Tired of phone chargers that only give you a mere six hours of battery? Well, search no further than the Power Stone Phone Charger!  Licensed by Guardian of the Galaxy Star-Lord, this device is the singular solution to all your charging needs. Simply tap your phone or any other device to this charger and it will retain power forever! So stop worrying about your devices going dead and buy the Power Stone today!

DISCLAIMER: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T TOUCH THE CHARGER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. KEEP AWAY FROM ALL ORGANIC MATERIALS. MARVEL WANTS TO KEEP EXISTING!

Marvel Gifts

WHAT DID WE JUST SAY ABOUT TOUCHING IT? 

Captain America’s Full-Size Frisbee

Cap’s signature weapon, his shield, served him through CAPTAIN AMERICA, THE WINTER SOLDIER, and CIVIL WAR. And since every kid imagines being their favorite hero, let’s see how Marvel Gifts do bringing their fantasy closer to reality.

Just because it’s cold now doesn’t mean you can’t get ready for summer. And how better to celebrate the Fourth of July then with this symbol of our greatest patriot? This special Frisbee, newly reacquired by Stark Industries, is the same size as Cap’s shield and even made of the same vibranium base! Have hours of fun watching the Frisbee bounce off trees, walls, and even evil robots and aliens before returning safely to your hands. Be a true American and buy it today!

DISCLAIMER: Marvel does not guarantee safety using Frisbee. Please endure years of training and use carefully around pets, furniture, elderly relatives, babies, chest based arc reactors, etc.

READ: Check out the essential list for Avengers fans this Christmas!

Stark Brand Liquors

Tony Stark doesn’t always deal with things well, as IRON MAN 2 and 3 had him struggle with impending death and PTSD. Tony turned to thrills and his tech, but there’s another, more profitable road he could have taken.

Nothing helps with the holidays better then a fine alcoholic beverage, and now you can get the very best. Stark Industries founder Tony Stark has always been an expert on fine liquor and he knows how much it can help during the holidays or when you have an argument with your friends. Now he’s made his personal collection available at an affordable rate, thanks to his arc-reactor-powered winery. Enjoy specially grown vintages like Mark 24, Mark 72, and the always popular Mark 89. Take to the skies this holiday season with Stark Liquors!

DISCLAIMER: Stark Industries encourages responsible drinking and driving, especially while flying. Demon in a Bottle whiskey no longer available.

 … You know, maybe I will buy the pooping reindeer.

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