Ho, mortals of Midgard! Dost thou tire of thy daily grind? Dost thou wish for a journey to unknown lands of magic? Or dost thou really like the fjords? Then thou are due for a trip to the Realm Eternal. Welcome, to the house of the All-Father, and of mighty Thor! Welcome to Asgard!

Asgard

Thy Arrival

First of all, thou shall travel across the Bifrost, the great rainbow bridge. Thou art advised to forgo meals beforehand, as the trip is oft… complex for the mortal stomach. Heimdall, guardian of the bridge, greets all travelers as they arrive. His mighty gaze ensures thou shall retain all luggage and party members as they enter. Thou art advised to pause and reflect upon the beauty of the Bifrost, as the Valkyries shall lead thee into Asgard proper. Spitteth not over the rail as thou travel; Heimdall sees all, and Asgard’s jails are far more severe than those at yon mortal park, Disney World.

READ: How well doth thy mortal stories compare to the true Asgard? Find out here!

First Meal

Thine dining needs end at Valhalla, the great hall of Odin. There, thou shalt dine with the fallen warriors of history, upon the most supple meats and strongest ale. Thou mortals with vegan needs eat their fill here as well; Asgard also contains no gluten within its walls. The warriors regard thee with tales of great deeds and battle stories (young children may hear less gruesome tales from the Lion of Asgard, Volstagg the Voluminous). All-Father Odin oft appears to greet travelers and speak upon the glory of Asgard. If Odin doth join thee, taketh not his mead. For yea, the All-Father is wise, but his mead is dear to him. His wrath strikes swiftly those that would e’en touch his glass.

Asgard
Much blood hath the All-Father spilt over the centuries. Most be over mead.

Exploring the Realm

Once thou hast rested, and the warriors of Valhalla hath returned to the field for another day of hacking each other to bits (yea, for it be their eternal reward) the gates of Asgard are open to ye. Many godly sights await yon mortal eyes and, therefore, may seem overwhelming to thine mind. Thine hosts recommend thou begin at the training fields, where Lady Sif doth train our warriors. From there, thou passeth by the great tree, where Idunn doth select the golden apples of youth (taketh them not from Asgard! Thy punishment shalt be a fortnight in Niflheim).

Finally, Asgard’s historical tour begins, with guests coming upon Fandral. Hear his lively speech as he taketh thee across the many historical sights thou mortals call myth (yea, we are not bitter). Thou shall pass the great wall, built through the machinations of the evil Frost Giant and the cleverness of Loki. Most noteworthy, thou shalt also see the same spot where Loki, in mare form, did birth Odin’s mighty steed Sleipnir.

Asgard
Thinketh we forgot that, didst thou, trickster?

History of the Shining Realm

Thine journey brings thee to Odin’s great throne, whereas much of our history occurred. Hear Fandral tell the tale of how Loki (to save his own skin) brought many treasures to Asgard, including the mighty Mjolnir! Laugh as thou hear of how Loki’s lips were sewn shut by the dwarves. Tis one of our favorite stories! Finally, thou shall be given a glimpse of Asgard’s great treasure vault, where the All-Father stores all manner of weapons from across the cosmos. Thou shalt see the great Tesseract, with which Loki did lay waste to thy great city of New York (which we have apologized for many times). In addition, the halls also hold the remains of the Destroyer and a great golden gauntlet we found floating in space. Consequently, we feel it shall never hold great importance.

Asgard’s prisons be off limits to mortals. Therefore, thou shall see our hall of vanquished foes and fallen heroes. Here, Asgard shows our victory against great foes such as Malekith the Accursed, and great warriors such as Bor, grandfather to Thor. Thou shall learn about such vanquished evils as Hela, Goddess of Death. Never again shall her evil darken our lands!

READ: Yea, but if Hela had invaded thine lands, it might look like this!

Adventure Awaits!

In conclusion, Asgard existed as myth upon Midgard, but since mighty Thor hath shown us to be real, thou should see it for thine self! Much adventure and wonder exists within our realm, beyond that which is shown here. If thou desire a new and wondrous land, then seek no other realm! Make thine reservations with a sacrifice to the gods, and experience a journey like no other!

*Accepted sacrifices include goat flesh, mead, and blood of thine enemies. We shall also accept the mortal sustenance of “coffee” and “Burger King” as Thor and Volstagg enjoy both.

** Those from Scandinavia need only provide birth certificates to travel. Thou worshiped us, after all.

*** Asgard shalt hold no responsibility for Thor’s presence on thine trip. Consequently, if thou doth not see him, he is probably ensuring thou hast a home to return to.

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