Note: The following editorial piece is meant to state a certain opinion in a detailed, somewhat humorous/satirical way of DC films. If you as the reader are in any way pissed off or offended, know that the author is just as mad as you at this point. 

Hey. Guess what? I like comic books. Guess what else? I like movies. No, scratch that. I love movies. To enter into an age of awareness and realize that one of those things that you like merges into the things that you love, well, let’s just say it rocked. What do I love about comic book films? Well, for one, there’s an unburdening of stricter film expectations. What that means in more layman’s terms is that comic book films can be as f**king stupid and ridiculous as they want, as long as they cover the basics of character, plot, and tone. Easy enough, right? For decades, these films have delivered nothing but round-the-clock fun and mindless entertainment as the endless baskets of pure joy they were meant to be. In recent years, this testament of love has held true. Well, for the most part.

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Let’s reframe the focus a bit. Imagine you are around, oh I don’t know, nine or ten. You’re a young kid, a big fan of comic books, especially those published by the immortal Detective Comics. You’ve scanned pages of Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, hell, even more hardcore stuff like the acclaimed works of Alan Moore and Grant Morrison. Now, imagine you find out that all these wonderful stories of extraordinary men and god-like heroes are about to be transformed into one shared universe on the coveted silver screen. “Good gravy and all that is sexy,” you exclaim with beaming eyes, “now all the not-real heroes that populate my private life will fill the existential void of purpose and joy that I’ve longed for this whole time. Can I rejoice? I think I shall!”

Thus spoke Zarathustra in response, “Wrong.”

dc films
What moose keeps that moptop tight in the pouring rain? Who even cares? Why am I asking you?

Dear World, I speak to you directly as a man at his wits end. No, you know what, that’s not enough. I speak to you as a NERD within the trenches of deep-seated frustration and endless hopelessness. My question to you is simple: why are you still watching these horrible DC films? Why do you continue to trudge through film after film of nonsensical nonsense? Of terrible editing? Atrocious screenwriting? Do you even like the overwhelmingly and depressingly dark tone of each film? Is is because you can’t get over that Evanescence phase you went through in middle school? Are you actually in middle school? If so, I might be giving you too much credit. But, if you are as prolific in your love of comic books and films as I am, you would understand this is just the worst kind of fanbase you can find yourself adhering to. Why give a film time when the film itself did not TAKE the time to become an actual film. That’s confusing. No, you’re confusing. Oh great, the voices are back.

I mean, come on guys, you know how the score works. You’ve seen this con before. Yet, seemingly without fail, you continually fall for the same snake oil pitch again and again. I’m not a particularly religious man, but I do like to gamble (in which conversion does periodically take place). I’d take a wager of five-to-one odds that the minute a DC trailer hits the glossy screen of your laptop, you are instilled with some sense of false hope that, “Maybe this will be the one that saves the franchise. Maybe this time it’ll make everything better.” Let me tell you something, there is no hope.

What we have here is a very calculated business plan set forth by men and women who, in majority, were not nine or ten-year-olds in love with comics, who didn’t froth at the mouth at the silver screen back when comic book films first arrived. They’re executives who have seen what happens when you successfully build up a shared universe and deliver to financial bedlam. It’s a business strategy that only leads to complete success, and why? Because these people who know the formula are relying on you, the most genial yet gullible of viewers, to continually empty your wallet and view their rushed, poorly structured products.

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I mean, for f**k’s sake.

I’m not overtly trying to be a cynic (“Hey Andy, stop contradicting yourself,” you rightfully exclaim), but I think it’s time that we as a crowd of hopeless dreamers finally get our share of the perfect film franchise. DC is sure to experience multiple interpretations, sure. No film franchise with the basis of adaptation is without that struggle, and it will not always be faithful to the source material. But do we need our Zack Snyders and our David Ayers? Men without an independent drive strong enough to bash Warner Brothers Studios’ iron fist like the New Hollywood pariahs of old? It’s a sad time when we can only hope for the next solution to an already downtrodden problem. You cannot fix what was already born with horrible, crippling defects. Only let it die in the most sad, Artax-parallel way you can muster. Before I go on, would anyone like to high-five me for that useless Neverending Story reference? You are right in looking as confused as you can be.

dc films
*a tasteless pun about committing suicide*

So perhaps the solution is just to stop. This is your intervention. I’m your non-judgmental family here to save you from the throes of horrible addiction. Take your wallet, look it straight in the Ralph Lauren logo, and tell it to suck as many eggs as its manipulative mouth can fit. Warner Bros. does not own your money; Warner Bros. wants to though. They want to push forth a product that will only make as much money as its rival Marvel already has, but not even at the same quality. Tell your wallet that there’s no way for it to indulge a DC/Warner Bros. movie until Warner Bros. produces a vision of entertainment worth its time. It’s time you view the next DC films “Extended” Universe trailer and treat it with as much scrutiny as your AP Art History teacher instilled in you. Don’t hope. Don’t wish. Don’t even think. Just look at it and say, “I will not let my anticipation ruin my experience.” With this in mind, you will view this film with complete callousness, and then you will never be disappointed again. In fact, with enough time, you will probably become a true sociopath.

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Congratulations, you now have solved the DC films problem.

Is this empowering yet? Do you feel my rage and frustration yet? AM I TRYING TOO HARD??

Probably.

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4 Comments

  1. David Gremillion

    January 26, 2017 at 11:30 am

    Andy, I’m going to do something truly shocking: Leave a comment and not talk about the content of the article at all.

    Your writing style is absolutely outstanding. The conversational style, the references, the witty banter…with yourself…is really well done.

    I look forward to reading more of your work.

    Reply

  2. Ben Wasserman

    January 25, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    What if you happen to like Man of Steel and BvS? By that logic my perspective is…. wrong!

    Reply

  3. Andy Martinez

    January 25, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    Hey there! Thanks for reading and commenting. If you notice, I actually make the specific distinction of DC/Warner Bros. Pictures and the DCEU. So no, I will not implicate DC Animated Universe in anything Warner Bros. Films is pooping out. Those guys are too good to earn a frustrated satire piece.

    Reply

  4. Rachel

    January 25, 2017 at 1:17 pm

    I feel your passion, Andy, and trust me I sympathize with your frustration. Have to ask though, are we including the animated DC films in the DCEU? Because I find that animated DC far surpasses live-action DC fair. More often than not, the DC Animated films take risks (JL Dark is R-rated), don’t pander to the largest common denominator, and offer interesting alternatives and even the occasional thought piece. The animated Suicide Squad was far more entertaining and fun then the live-action one. I am not saying all of them are perfect (looking at you, Killing Joke), but I am curious to see if we are including animated DC films in the DCEU. Great piece, nonetheless.

    Reply

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