College is rough, but you don’t have to eat Top Ramen and Kraft Mac’n’Cheese five days a week to survive. Your College/University campus is a bountiful cornucopia if you know where to look. Follow these easy rules, and you will never go hungry on campus again. Free food is at your fingertips.

Rule #1: Have No Shame

Image courtesy of Expressotoria
I bet they can afford REAL butter for their artisan avocado toast.

Shame is for fancy kids and their $8 gourmet cafe latte and smoked gouda and bacon pastries. You ain’t no fancy kid. You can’t afford to be ashamed when you’re hungry. Free samples? Take three. Black Tie Honors Society Banquet? Strut in wearing sweats and a T-shirt and scarf down three helpings of filet mignon. Free pizza at a fraternity recruitment? Try to look sad and ask for an extra slice.

Ask for More, Then Take More Anyways

Ask for another slice of pizza. The worst they can say is no. Better yet, snatch one more slice while you ask. You’re not hurting anyone. It’s not like they’re going to make a scene over a slice of pizza. Event organizers are trying to put forth their best image. A public confrontation is the last thing they want. Besides, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission… especially when it comes to mooching free food. From clubs, for example.

READ: Have You Heard of DC’s Elusive 1997 Production of Justice League?

Join ALL the clubs

You are now a member of every club on campus. Whenever there’s a recruiting event, you join up with every single club there. Your goal is to get on the mailing list for all their events. Specifically, the events where they’re going to be serving food for club members. Now, if you want to graze, you’re going to have to act like a part of the herd.

I tried to Google Human Cow... But it got weird. Real weird.
Become one with the herd. Even if you don’t look like them.

Clubs are finicky social herds. They only accept strays who act like them. To join these wary herds and share in their spoils, you must blend in. When the farming club shares the bounty of their harvest, you are passionate about the nutrient composition of tropical dirt for a day. When the Aikido club has pizza and movie night, you are well trained in the technique of manipulating your opponent’s center of gravity against them. Remember, no door is closed to you. No snack table is out of your reach. But, just showing up isn’t enough. Act as you belong.

The corn speaks to me… Eat me, it says.

Rule #2: Evolve into a Social Butterfly

Scoring free food requires a certain finesse. It’s better to have someone give you free food willingly than it is to take it. There’s an art to convincing people that they want to give you food. That art starts with being everybody’s friend.

Pictured: A fully developed social butterfly.

The Three Steps To Being Everyone’s Friend

With these three simple steps, you can be everybody’s friend! And friends share food with friends. Being friends with everyone isn’t about being awesome and exciting. It is more about not sucking to hang out with. In the immortal words of Bowling For Soup:

1. Don’t Be A Jerk

The biggest part of being friends with everyone is not insulting them. Never insult anyone, even jokingly. You and your buddies might get a laugh when you take a jab at Sam about how he’s starting to look chubby eating all those fries. But make no mistake, Sam’s not going to share those fries with you after that jibe. And don’t even think about telling Samantha that she’s guzzling that smoothie. That frown on her face after your ‘joke’ means you’re not getting a sip of that smoothie.

READ: Game Developers Are Robbing You! Find Out How You Can Fight Back!

People don’t like being made fun of. Even when it’s all in good fun, there are better ways to interact than by bringing someone else down. Very rarely, a good-humored jibe is appropriate. But it’s hard to judge exactly when it’s okay. When there’s free food on the line, that’s a risk that’s just not taking. It’s better to be boring and well fed than funny and hungry.

2. Greet Everyone with Enthusiasm

Imagine that someone you know is sitting down for lunch with a loaded burrito bowl from Chipotle. They look up briefly, and you lock eyes. They glance back at their savory Burrito Bowl. Their expression is hesitant. A decision teeters on the edge of a knife in their mind. You have mere milliseconds to tip the scales. Thinking quickly, you raise your hand in a lukewarm greeting. You nod your head, acknowledging them like the cool kid you are. Their eyes narrow. Cool as a cucumber, they nod back. Their arm creeps protectively around their Burrito Bowl. They break eye contact and turn their shoulder protectively.

You dun screwed up.

Grant Gustin Happy The Flash
Greet everybody like The Flash does.

Greet everyone enthusiastically. Even if you’re not excited to see Susie, suck it up and pretend that you’re bloody thrilled see her. You smile, she smiles, she shares her food. Just think about how you feel when your friend lights up and waves excitedly as soon as they see you. Heck, I’m not even excited to see me. It feels awesome when somebody else is. Be that friend.

READ: What Has Moffat Done With DOCTOR WHO?

When Susie is sitting there with her Burrito Bowl, she’s not going to share with cool kid Slim who nods his head at her. She’s going to share with smiley Jerry who practically skips over to her because he’s so happy that she’s alive and a part of his life. Jerry is going to get a big helping of that Burrito Bowl. Slim is sitting at a booth for one eating loneliness for lunch.

Eminem Slim Shady
Poor Slim.

3. Share your food

I know, I know, that’s the last thing you want to do. But it’s an investment. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. How do you feel about people who share their food with you? People who share food with me instantly get a blinking neon sign over their head that says “FRIEND.” Friends share food. In investing, you must spend money to make money. In the acquisition of free food, you must share food to have food shared with you. Share once, and they’ll share with you two or three times in the future. Share with them periodically and reap the rewards. Thus is the path to free food.

Rule #3: Learn to Cook

Have you ever spent $10 on lunch at the cafeteria? Congratulations! You just played yourself. You could feed yourself three delicious meals a day for two days straight with ten bucks. How you ask? Learn! To! Cook!

2 Potatoes at $1 a pound: $2.
A bag of whole carrots: $1
Two heads of broccoli: $1.
Two cans of Kidney Beans: $1.
Salt & Pepper: $1.
Small Bag of Flour: $1
Oil: $1
Vegetable or Beef Broth: $1
1 pie crust: $1

That right there is a beautiful recipe for a kidney bean pie big enough to feed one family of four or one starved student. While it’s not technically free, cooking your own meals stretches your dollar a lot further than whatever crappy bonus points system your dining hall offers. It’s very feasible to spend $20 or less a week on food if you’re willing to buy in bulk. While other students spend $20 a day at the dining hall, you’ll be making it rain with all the money you saved.

Make it Rain Student Edition.

Cooking for yourself has a ton of benefits. You’d be a fool not to take advantage of these bonuses:

READ: When Do We Get Marvel’s INHUMAN’S? Is INHUMAN’S Trapped In Development Hell?

1. Saves you money.

Let’s say that an average, cheap meal or sandwich on campus costs you $5. If you want to eat three meals a day, that’s $15 a day, not including snacks. 15 x 7 days a week is $105 every week. If you don’t know how to cook, you’re spending $105 to feed yourself a week. If you’re cooking for yourself, groceries can be anywhere from $20-$50 a week, depending on how frugal you’re trying to be.

2. Valuable Life Skill

If nothing else, you’re learning a valuable life skill. Cooking is impressive. It’s a skill that wins the hearts of friends, family, and loved ones. Most importantly, it keeps you looking good and feeling good! College is already doing it’s best to beat you up physically and mentally. Between cafeteria food, stress, and sleepless nights, you’re not at your prime.

3. Attractive

Everybody knows that the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach. If life were a game, homemade food would be a Charisma+ potion. You get instant points for being able to cook. You double those points by sharing the food you cook… And you get a return on that little investment when everyone else shares their food with you as thanks. But, who knows? Maybe someone will even ask you out on a date as thanks for your delicious, homemade food.

And Finally: Check The Food Bank for Free Food

Chances are, your school has an on-campus food bank for students who can’t afford food. There’s no shame in getting food there. You’ve probably got thousands of dollars of debt already, and your pride isn’t worth adding to that to feed yourself when you have other options. Free food is free food, and if you don’t eat it, it’s just going to sit there and do nobody any good. If sharing your food is an investment, your school’s food bank is a withdrawal on your returns. Like any good investor, you should take advantage of that.

Free food is there for the taking if you know where to look. If you’re a starving student, just follow these easy rules and you will never go hungry again. Food is more valuable than pride. Friends are food. And the Dining Hall is a waste of your money. College is a cornucopia, and you don’t need to starve for your education!

Show ComicsVerse some Love! Leave a Reply!